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considering calling fiance's ex-wife to say ok to call *aboutthekids* anytime (& yes, btw I am 'the bad guy')?

hey folks hey i'm not gonna mince words about this, I am elated to be engaged to be married to an intelligent, tough, tender man to whom I share alot of background, perspectives, dreams for the future and life experiences. He's college educated yet self-educated in the humanities classics and is totally streetwise from the school of hard knocks -- a man's man who has had to overcome alot. He brings to life the list of what I wanted in a life partner; he's my magic man and has taught me so much about love and falling in love. There are things we want to support each other in and absolutely are the people to do so who have the tools to do so. my fiance's previous relationship was dead in the water for some time as their story is they stopped by a court clerk's desk to change their legal status to 'married' some time after their first child (unplanned pregnancy) was born for the purposes of insurance and setting up a household to raise the child, and because they got along well. They were very young. For him, it was not a love match and he was not living the life he wanted. She very much has a small-town way of life and aggressively pursued him, initiating the calls. Nothing wrong with being either from small town or from a big city of course, but he's from a big city and it's differences in vision. He had seen me as his true love, but I was then thousands of miles away. well once he initiated being back in contact with me via internet it was the final straw for his now ex-wife -- she threatened to divorce him and take the kids. But soon after she dug in her heels. She wanted to stay married no matter what til death so it turns out she was just bringing in some good ol fashioned scare/bully tactics with the whole divorce/kids threat. Well eventually she left the house, they were separated, and then he and I finally visited in person, had an amazing 'first date' and began exploring a relationship together and eventually slept together for the first time ever at that point (yes, really. i know, it even amazes me). She filed, and the divorce paperwork got complete. "She hates me" is the general consensus. Fine. I'm not gonna lie to y'all -- in my eyes they were nothing more than glorified roommates/companions anyway, and by several independent accounts, she seemed all too happy to treat him like the third child to raise. *shrug* My *question* -- (thanks for reading the long preamble, I just want to have my cards out on the table -- namely, that I totally and with valid points can be viewed as 'the bad guy') now is that obviously alot of challenges arise for he and I, his ex is quoted as saying she doesn't trust me, she wants nothing to do with me, which is ok and predictable and I am very live and let live -- and of course I realize I had no integrity with the way I allowed him to be in long involved talks with me while still married on paper, and yea it was shitty of me. (I told his ex this as well, told her what I did was very cruel to her.) I have no way of knowing or ensuring what's gonna happen tomorrow so I am well aware there is no such thing as a happy ending, whatever happens happens and I am enjoying my current adventure and standing strong for he and I bringing each other expanding peace, freedom, and union -- is... now that my fiance and I are several states away and living in a new place, we are joint tenants and though we aren't gonna be there forever, we are building our 'home roots' as it were, and we *just* got a landline number, SO... now that I've received reports she has gossiped about me/us, and in my opinion plays hot and cold sort of 'i'll always love you and want you back' / 'you're a horrible person and my life is better without you' games with him... I REALLY want to place a call to her cell phone from our landline *first* so she can hear from me straight from my mouth, civilly, that she is ALWAYS welcomed to call OUR home as they co-parent their 2 children, and here's all our contact numbers, and she has an open line to me as well, and thank you for always caring about the father of your children. What do y'all think about this? Now that he and I are fashioning our home; and I never, not once, called her home when they were married, I feel I need to stand strong and initiate this first call to her cell phone (which she gave me awhile back) to set the tone and precedent and civility. ha, i know this is more like a long prose poem at points than a short Q&A so thanks for reading and *please* be blunt, tough, cutting, diplomatic, full of possibility, kind, devil's advocate, whatever. Whatever it takes to get at what's best. Thank you!

Public Comments

1. I think it's a good move. If you truly mean she can call at any time regarding the children, then why not let her know that? And it doesn't hurt that you're making the call rather then him. It will remind her that you two are in this together.
2. You seem like a straight shooter and I think that's a good thing. Here's what I think...it seems like a good idea, but you need to be aware of what may be behind the door you are opening. Since it seems she's kind of a game player there might be some crazy calls at all hours of the night and you need to be prepared for that. When you do call her it's probably not going to be all love and rainbows either. Don't let her bait you into an argument or even a discussion. I would just call, lay out the contact information and your willingness to be helpful and contacted if desired. Then end it. Even if she tries to initiate some long discussion have a good reason you need to end the call and invite her to continue the discussion at a later time. This is another in a string of changes in her life and it's another nail in the coffin (so to speak) and her initial reaction may not be the best, but in time I'm sure she will appreciate the gesture. I would avoid the "our house" and maybe say things like "I wanted to give you the new house number for 'fathers name' in case of an emergency or anything with 'son's name'. Feel free to call anytime." Good luck & you're doing the right thing!