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Just wondering if anyone could see this script going anywhere, with a little more work?

Bedsit Episode 1 By Damian Gates (opening) : (music) – starts with google earth zooming in off the planet to the centre of the North West, zooming in on Blackburn Town centre, and then to the street where there’s a block of 8 Bedsits, with graffiti all over the walls, and 7 to let signs on the windows. One of the bedsits is burn’t out with no windows, and the to let sign in that window is black with soot, but it transpires that alcoholic Trevor lives there, and he’s just burn’t out his bedsit. 2 Landlords own 4 bedsits each, one Saleem Chaudhri, The other Frank Smith Saleem, local corner shop entrepreneur the other Frank smith, expat London. They do not get on. Opening Sequence, Frank shouting at Trevor with regards the burn’t out bedsit Frank “ What the hell have you done now Trevor” Trevor “ I don’t fucking know, I’ve just got up, How am I supposed to know what I’m doing, I’m in this god damn block on my own, if you and sal’d spend more money on this place, then I might get neighbours, and they’d of woke me up if I’d started a fire, wun’t they you set of bastards” Frank – “oh right, so you set fire to my property in one of you’re bloody states, and it’s mine and that, and that…. And Mr Chaudhri’s fault is it. Typical bloody alcho, always somebody else to blame” Trevor: “don’t you dare come out with the alco shit. I had 7 cans of superstrength and a couple of quarts of whiskey last night, and that was it!! I’d of carried on drinking if it weren’t for the devil himself, blocking me from my bloody fridge, big red hot beggar he was an all!! Anyway, I told you about my problems the first day we agreed the tenancy, and I paid you the deposit1! Frank : “DEPOSIT”, you gave me a tenner, you bloody pisshead, £220 was the agreed deposit, and £220 a month after that. You’ve been here 4 months, and I’ve had a fucking tenner, and now look what you’ve done! Trevor: Well we’ll talk about that once you’ve sorted this place out, cause I ain’t giving you a penny until this shit holes sorted out, look at the bloody state Frank: (irate – ready to kick trevs ass!!!) Interrupted BMW M3 skids onto carpark, out comes saleem, little bearded asian Frank & Trevor simoultaneaously : “here we go” Clambering on steps heard, door bursts open, heavy asian accent “what the bloody hell is going on here”, I can’t believe you bloody honkys how can you, do such a thing to such a beautiful residence. I do you expect me to rent out my bloody half of the building, when this half is in such a shit state, my allah man, what the bloody hell do you think you are playing at. Frank : Now, now chaudhri, calm down. If this place wasn’t such a state, we wouldn’t have people like trev living here in the first place would we. Trev: Fuck you, I have rights Frank, no fuck you Trev, you’ve no rights, fuck me, you haven’t even got any windows, no, let me rephrase that, I haven’t even got any fucking windows. You’re out of here Trev, you’re out, and you sal, I need words urgently. Sal: Don’t you be giving me bloody words, if there’s any bloody words being bloody given out here, it will be bloody me giving out bloody words, you bloody honky, do you bloody under bloody stand, bloody hell, bloody, bloody hell!! Frank: Now, just calm down a second sal, with you’re bloody bloody, honky bloody bloody’s.. Trev: “yeah, sal calm………. Frank and Sal: You bloody shut your mouth………Sigh Pisshead Trevor: “well if that’s how you feel, I’m going right now!!! Frank and Sal : “good, pissoff” Sal: “bloody pissoff” Trevor (empty threat) “right, seriously I’m going now” Pan to front door of bedsits, hear clambering downstairs, shouting, Door opens, Trev kicked out by frank and sal, then burn’t stick with bag on end and a shiny can of tenants stuck out the end. Frank : “fuck off, and good riddance” Trevor: “I’ll be back you bastards, mark my words” Sal: “bloody pisshead bloody honky, pissoff!!!!! Door closes, sal and Frank look at each other, uncomfortable silence, then laughter. Sal: “that bloody pisshead, how the bloody hell did you bloody find him” Trevor: “I don’t know, but at least I’ve got an insurance claim for that bedsit know, it’s gonna be amazing once I’ve finished with Churchill, I’ll get double glazing and a new toilet and everything in there” Sal: “you bloody lucky bastard, it’s a shame we can’t get tenants like that in every bloody bedsit, then we would make a bloody good profit” ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 3 months later Sequence – 7 alcos being thrown out with sticks and tenant superstrength, brandy, whisky, gin, etc……. all out, camera panning onto each one, and to the various alcoholic drinks in there burnt out bags, to the seven dwarfs hi ho hi ho, it’s out in the cold we go” Camera pans, to loads of workmen, and vans etc…. Then to frank and sal, carting off widescreen tv’s, playstations etc… into the boots of their cars Sal: “I bloody told you, independent bloody loss assesors are the way to go frank, I bloody told you”” Frank: “you did sal, you certainly did” Bedsit Episode 2 By Damian Gates (opening) : (music) – starts with google earth zooming in off the planet to the centre of the North West, zooming in on Blackburn Town centre, and then to the street where there’s a block of 8 Bedsits, New double glazing, one man in overalls, scrubbing last bit of graffiti off the walls, frank and sal dressed smartly outside. Outside nice block of apartments, young couple sarah and tom screaming at each other, sarah through the window, tom downstairs beside and audi a4 (or something similar) Sarah: You bag you’re bags you peace of shit, I can’t believe you’ve gone and shagged her, how dare you, you fucking bastard Throwing clothes out of window, blah de blah de blah Sarah: What is it with her, is her ass smaller then mine, what, what is it Tom: (well spoken) Look, love, why don’t you just calm down, it’s not as it seems” Sarah “it’s not as it seems you fucker, this is not a sitcom, this is real life. (mimicking) “let’s get a cleaner to help us, as we are working all the time, No not her, look she’s scruffy, get someone smart, what she looks like is going to be a reflection on how she works. Bullshit, briday would have been fine, but no lets go for fucking chloe, she dresses smart. “yeah, and she’s 40 years younger, I knew this was gonna happen you fucking twat” Tom: “not the laptop, not the god damn laptop” Smash, Blank screen Focus on Emily, gorgeous 20 something – Just returning back to her parents detached house, back after 3 years of travelling the globe, for a surprise return: Walks in to find her bedroom has been turned into a gym and spa Dad : “oh, um, hello sweetheart, didn’t expect you back so soon, how are you, I’ll let you’re mother know” Dad walks into Emily’s old rather large bedroom to find mother and friends relaxing in spa, with sauna, steamroom, and excersice cycle. Dad “hugh hugh”, sorry to interrupt ladies but Emily “what the hell is going on here “ Blah de blah de blah Dad “ here’s some money to get yourself sorted on your own!! David, ex pub landlord, just come out of his pub, as he’s been robbed, no insurance, lost everything, nice bloke, brewery has thrown him out!!! Another 5 people All sat in various pubs, coffee shops etc…. Looking in local paper for accommodation Sal and Frank outside flat

Public Comments

1. Hey Ok that might be an alright script, as far as plotline goes I'm hoping it develops much more. SOme tips though Try to imagine this script in a film and then imagine your reaction to it, my guess is if I saw that script I would comment on the guy that says bloody too much, and the way that the characters explain the background of their place in the first scene. Neither is very realistic so you need to ease up a bit and slowly reveal thing (plot and background wise) and try to make the characters as eralistic as possible (even mirroring them off people you know if it works better) I don't know if it'd be quite the film for me but keep at it and then give it to some friends to review, and see what others opinions are as well. Best of luck :)
2. umm ya im writing a script right now and u definitely should not put it on yahoo answers. anyone from anywhere could take your story and use it. That was not very smart posting it on here. think be you act. and tips on the script. it was okay but u should think as if it is a story on tv. thinking it as a film and not a script. you have to be able to picture it smoothly running in your head. if you stuck . . .try reading an amazing book "how to write a movie in 21 days" by viki king. professional screenwriters have used it. its a famous book in hollywood films. good luck and get this question off as soon as possible. you dont want anyone swaying your decisions or ideas. i no its hard, but it should be all you.
3. it would be an awesome script if you kept writing into it. but alot more action in it