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How is my global warming essay?

Satire: Please tell me how good it is, thanks :) As humans release more carbon dioxide, air pollution, and fossil fuel exhaust into the air, it is eminent that global warming is likely to occur. These “impurities” causes the sun to activate the greenhouse effect upon which global warming is the heating of the globe, thus the polar ice caps in Antarctica shall melt and create a monstrous amount of water that will approach nearby civilizations at a rate of approximately 50 mph. 20% of those who are to drown are people, 30% are those who can’t swim, the other 50% are children and midgets. Insurance companies will demand more money to cover you for the apocalypse and teaching swimming lessons will only waste time. Life as we know it will cease to exist. In order for such epidemics to be avoided, there are possible ways to counter. First off, since global warming will not happen until two generations past us, humanity should be advised that their great grandchildren will suffer the consequences. However, there is a solution to this: we must all stop giving birth to children, starting today and there will be no more concern for them once we all die off and become extinct. Also, birth control will be beneficial to the world as there will be no more mouths to feed and the starving children of Africa will have something to eat. Abortions and adoptions shall never take place, which means there will be no more people who are persecuted for being “exhausted”. Since their owners no longer have children, pets shouldn’t either, so have them be fixed or spayed. Thus, the entire animal kingdom should be fixed or spayed. Once this is done, we wouldn’t have to worry about overpopulation anymore. How beneficial. Another solution, if the one above is too difficult for people (especially young people), is to build an ark. Regardless of how many trees help prevent carbon dioxide to be within the air and give us oxygen, global warming will destroy them all, so I suggest bringing together all the lumberjacks who could be scouted, cutting down the trees of the world, since there is no other use for them. Noah’s ark took over 100 years to build with all those trees he had to lop off himself. Now that we live in a world of technology, we can build a universal ark even faster than Noah’s sawing methods. Approximately 55,000 Redwood trees from Sequoia National Park in California will be enough wood for the ark as well as the dimensions: at least 1500 meters long, 350 meters wide 230 meters high. Board the ship with only polar bears, penguins, seals, and Eskimos, since they will face the disaster first. Humanity will board as is. To prevent any casualties within the ark, throw overboard any criminals, terror suspects, and insane psychopaths for a more luxurious cruise. To keep the ride entertaining, I suggest adding an outside pool on deck big enough for the whole world to swim in. Add an inside dining hall with famous chefs, live shows from stars, and a suite for you and your family. If it does not suit you to drown the infidels, then perhaps build a dungeon in the ark and employ them for manual labor, as well as anyone who does not follow the rules. Enjoy your stay for eternity! For those of you who find that leaving your homes and possessions unbearable, (as I must admit there is no place like home) may pool your life time supply of insurance to one gigantic amount of money to help build a rocket ship launched towards the sun to destroy it and prevent it from causing global warming. The sun’s heat temperature is approximately 15 million degrees, thus anything approaching will instantly be disintegrated. To prevent that from happening, I suggest humanity fill the rocket ship with 1392000000000 liters of liquid helium reduced to absolute zero which freezes anything. Once NASA launches the rocket, it will head towards the sun and as the sun’s rays destroy the surface of the ship, the liquid helium will be released onto to sun’s surface. Right at that moment the sun’s atmosphere will freeze instantly, mummifying it with a frozen cover. Hooray! The sun is frozen and humanity shall never worry about global warming ever again! Your children will embrace you and say, “Mom! I love you so much for destroying the sun! Now it will be winter forever and we can make snowmen every single day!” Of course, you will have to dress warmly and take Tylenol as the weather will get chilly. Even better, there are other benefits to destroying the sun; no beacon for alien life forms to follow, no more sweat, no more blind people, no more sunburns, no more skin cancer, no more miserable albinos, the list goes on and on! Therefore, it is logical that we must remove the sun from our lives to prevent the above hazards that might befall us, our children, and the albino community!

Public Comments

1. Funny one ...... “Mom! I love you so much for destroying the sun! Now it will be winter forever and we can make snowmen every single day!”.....idea was good........
2. In the second sentence, "These “impurities” causes" is bad grammar because you have a plural subject and a singular verb. There are a few other problems in the essay also having to do with not paying attention in school, for example, in science classes, and being over-eager to imitate others who were poor students in school and caused disruptions to avoid doing work.
3. Global warming (modified to be "climate change" which covers them no matter _which_ way the average temperature fluctuates) is indeed real and has been documented with ice cores dating back tens of thousands of years. What is NOT real is the quackery that humans caused (or can even affect) global warming. The scare tactics being perpetrated upon us are only a money/power grab scheme by bottom-feeder politicians accompanied by their so-easily-led sheeple who take their prattle, even their movies, as hard science. To find that my statement above is true, follow the money. See just who it is who will profit from the carbon offset, carbon tax, & etc. Here is truth about global warming: Global warming is one-half of the climatic cycle of warming and cooling. The earth's mean temperature cycles around the freezing point of water. This is a completely natural phenomenon which has been going on since there has been water on this planet. It is driven by the sun. Our planet is currently emerging from a 'mini ice age', so is becoming warmer and may return to the point at which Greenland is again usable as farmland (as it has been in recorded history). As the polar ice caps decrease, the amount of fresh water mixing with oceanic water will slow and perhaps stop the thermohaline cycle (the oceanic heat 'conveyor' which, among other things, keeps the U.S. east coast warm). When this cycle slows/stops, the planet will cool again and begin to enter another ice age. Thermohaline cycle Warm water is less dense than cold water. One of the ocean currents runs North up the east coast of the U.S. When this warm ocean water reaches the arctic ocean, it is cooled which makes it become more dense. The now dense salt water drops to the sea floor and begins its return to the southern loop of its cycle. Fresh water from meltoff of the northern ice pack dilutes this sea water which makes it less dense. The diluted, less dense water drops to the sea floor more slowly which slows the entire cycle. If diluted enough, this circulation stops entirely. When the circulation stops, then the planet will begin to cool and enter an ice age which will stop the meltoff. As the salinity in the north Atlantic increases, the water will once again begin to sink to the sea floor and the cycle will restart and our planet will emerge from its ice age and enter another warm period. That is happening now. It's been happening for millions of years. It will change. The worrisome and brutal predictions of drastic climate effects are based on computer models, NOT CLIMATE HISTORY. As you probably know, computer models are not the most reliable of sources, especially when used to 'predict' chaotic systems such as weather. Global warming/cooling, AKA 'climate change': Humans did not cause it. Humans cannot stop it.
4. good one